Jake Consultation
A 30-minute session where Jake listens, nods confidently, and says, "Interesting."
JAKE.
A brand without a product.
About Jake
Jake isn't a product. Jake isn't a service. Jake is a presence.
Some call it branding. Some call it performance art. Some call it "concerning." But to us, it's simply Jake.
Services
Jake Optimization
We examine your current situation and add Jake. Results may vary, but Jake will not.
Jake Activation™
We activate Jake. You will know when it happens. No further details will be provided.
Advanced Jake
For organizations that require enterprise-grade Jake. Includes additional nodding.
Jake Strategy
We create a long-term roadmap in which Jake appears at key, unexplained moments.
Jake Enterprise Tier
Contact for pricing. No one knows what it costs. Not even Jake.
Testimonials
“Jake changed the way we think about Jake.”
— Harper, CEO of Harper
“Before Jake, I was lost. After Jake… still lost, but now with Jake.”
— Anonymous
“We invited Jake to speak. He didn't. It was powerful.”
— Midwestern Tech Conference
“I don't fully understand Jake. That's why we renewed.”
— Global Brand Director
Press
Everything you need to know about Jake is contained in this official press kit.
Download Press KitFor additional inquiries, please contact Jake. Statements will not be clarified.
In the News*
“Jake redefines what it means to define things.”
— Forbes, probably“A triumph of branding over substance.”
— The Wall Street Journal, allegedly“We did not authorize this quote.”
— The New York Times“We are still unclear on what Jake is, but the logo is clean.”
— TechCrunch intern*All quotes are entirely fabricated and legally meaningless. Much like Jake.
Leadership
Meet the team guiding Jake toward an increasingly abstract future.
Jake
Founder & Primary Jake
Responsible for all core Jake decisions, including but not limited to being Jake.
Alternate Jake
VP of Parallel Jakes
Explores timelines in which Jake made different choices, then reports back nothing actionable.
Shadow Jake
Chief Vibes Officer
Oversees the unseen, the unspoken, and the slightly unsettling parts of the brand.
JakeGPT
AI Jake Strategist
Trained on years of Jake decisions. Achieves 99.9% Jake-like output with 0% accountability.
Roadmap
The Jake Initiative follows a strict, meticulously unhelpful roadmap.
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Q1 — Establish Jake
Launch the concept of Jake. Confirm that Jake exists. Refuse to elaborate.
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Q2 — Expand Jake
Increase Jake awareness by posting more Jake. Measure success using only vibes.
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Q3 — Monetize Jake
Introduce premium Jake offerings. Pricing model: "You'll know it when you feel it."
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Q4 — Exceed Jake
Transcend Jake while remaining completely Jake. Enter new markets that did not ask for Jake.
Careers
Join Jake in a variety of roles that may or may not formally exist.
Assistant to Jake
Hold mirrors, maintain the aura, and occasionally remind Jake that Jake is Jake.
Jake Historian
Document the evolving lore of Jake, even as the lore actively resists documentation.
Senior Vice President of Jake
Provide strategic oversight for Jake without ever defining what that means.
Jake Intern
Assist with miscellaneous Jake initiatives. Experience required: none. Confidence required: yes.
FAQ
Who is Jake?
Jake is a brand, a concept, and occasionally a person.
What does Jake do?
Jake provides Jake-related services across various Jake verticals.
How do I contact Jake?
You may send a message using the contact form. Jake will receive it metaphysically.
Is Jake a real company?
Jake is as real as companies that sell nothing but mission statements.
Does Jake offer refunds?
Jake has never been asked. Jake has never refused.
Where is Jake headquartered?
Officially: Nowhere. Unofficially: Everywhere Jake is.
Can I license Jake?
Jake cannot be owned. Jake can only be acknowledged.
Is Jake hiring?
Jake is always hiring. Whether Jake accepts is another question.
Why does Jake exist?
At this point, momentum.
Is this a cult?
No. Not officially.
Why is this FAQ becoming stranger?
Jake has been informed.
What does Jake want?
Progress. Innovation. Snacks.
What is Phase 7?
You are not cleared for that information.
Should I be concerned?
Concern is a natural response to Jake.
Contact
Begin your Jake journey.